The Lonely Ladies Man
by Mossyrock
Summary: Sirius has been confined to 12 Grimmauld Place and he's feeling lonely. He comforts himself with drinks and talking to his best friend, Remus. What happens when they're both feeling lonely? Wolfstar A.K.A. SiriusXRemus. M for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Hi. I'm not J.K. Rowling, no matter how much I wish I was.

A/N: I adore Sirius and Remus. This is my first fiction with these two. I hope you all like it. It takes place within Order of the Phoenix, just to give you some context.

.oOo.

Sirius Orion Black had always been a ladies' man. He just couldn't help it. Between his 15th birthday and his imprisonment in Azkaban, he had not been single for more than a month at a time. He loved the attention and the women loved his charm. It was a perfect match.

Other men seemed to hate him. Not that he cared what men thought of him. He couldn't give a flying bludger either way. Or at least that's how it seemed to his best friend, Remus John Lupin.

While Sirius himself might attribute this aversion to his ruggedly good looks and superior intellect, it was more probably because of his arrogance and ability to steal their girlfriends with only a sly wink and a cheeky smile.

Sirius was able to steal the girlfriends of anyone he particularly disliked. He would sometimes flirt with a girl, just to annoy her boyfriend. He had used this technique on many Slytherin's he despised. His greatest achievement was to steal Phoebe Greengrass from Lucius Malfoy. At the time, Sirius was only a second year, Phoebe a fourth year and Lucius a seventh year. He was lucky that Lucius hadn't killed him. Thank goodness for the invisibility cloak and the room of requirement.

Sirius had now been single for over 15 years. He had hoped, after escaping Azkaban over two years ago, that he would be able to clear his name, become a hero and get any woman he wanted. Unfortunately, life hadn't gone as planned for Sirius. He was now trapped in the one place he hated more than anywhere else. Luckily, the other Order members would come by for the weekly meetings. And he had Remus.

After one such meeting, Sirius sat in the library, drinking and thinking about all of this. Remus was to stay the night after the meeting. Dumbledore thought Sirius could use the company. So Remus stayed over every now and again, in between secret Order missions. This was Remus' home now too. However, the Order kept him busy and away most of the time.

"Hey, Padfoot. What are you still doing up? You're usually passed out by now" Remus wandered into the room, picked up his book and plopped down on the couch next to him.

"I'm just moping. I'm sick of being stuck here, Moony. I'd give everything I own, every single stupid heirloom, to leave this house. Just for a moment," He sat pouting. His words were ever so slightly slurred.

"Ah... I see. You've got cabin fever" Remus nodded wisely.

"What's cabin fever?" Sirius asked him.

"It's a muggle thing. It means you're sick of being stuck inside with nothing to do" He explained in his teacher voice. Sirius nodded.

"That sounds exactly how I'm feeling. Do you know how many times I've thought of just running away from here? Just putting on a disguise and going out for a night?"

"I don't know. A million?" Remus shrugged as he flipped through his book.

"A trillion million might be closer" Sirius slumped further down on the couch. He took a drink from his glass of whiskey.

"Why would you risk being caught? I know you're reckless and stupid, but do you really want to risk Azkaban? Or worse?" Remus snapped his book shut again. He was concerned. He knew that Sirius liked to live dangerously.

"No" Sirius sighed. Remus looked into his grey eyes, searching for conformation. He saw it and nodded to Sirius that he believed him. Sirius hesitated before confessing "But... If I could just go out in disguise, find a girl, bring her back, have some fun and wipe her memory, I'd feel _so_ much better"

"I can't believe you just said that" Remus shook his head at his friend. Sirius was secretly disappointed that Remus wasn't willing to help him achieve this. Despite knowing the answer before he even asked the question. Sirius hit him lightly on the arm and joked, hiding his disappointment.

"Hey! Not all of us are monk-like like you, Moony. Some of us need that human touch every once in a while. And it's been a very long while since I had it last" He thought back to the last time. His eyes had glazed over and he smiled broadly at the memory.

"You're sick. Seriously sick. Maybe you have finally snapped. I suspected it might happen someday" Remus sighed and looked at Sirius sadly. He pitied the poor dog.

"I'm not sick. I'm just lonely and frustrated. Do you know how sad it is that I've even started looking at Dora? I know I always complained that my parents were second cousins, but how bad could it be?" Sirius tried to joke, but his despair was evident. Remus saw through him easily.

"Very, very bad. Unbelievably depraved. Just like you" Sirius mock glared at him.

"Well, consider my current options. The only people who know that I'm innocent and that I have access to. There's Dora, who for obvious reasons is off the table. McGonagall, who was our teacher and is old enough to be my gran..." He trailed off, feeling ill.

"Oh, please no. Thanks for the mental images. I'm never going to sleep again" Remus said sarcastically.

"You're welcome, buddy" He smiled his cheekiest smile at his best friend "Then there's Molly, who is only ten years older than us,"

"She's also married" Remus interjected.

"Exactly" Sirius nodded "And while I like her, she's been run ragged by having so many kids and looking after them. Especially the twins. Boy are they a handful. Hilarious though. Last time they were here, I saw them following Snape around and making noises behind his back. He had no idea what was going on. He was fuming. Ended up hexing a hole in the wall" Sirius giggled.

"They remind me of you and James in your prime. Only they're smarter. They make money out of their mischief" He smirked at Sirius, who frowned.

"Thanks very much, Moony. Feel free to make me feel even worse" He took another drink, finishing his glass and pouring another.

"Thank you, I will..." He paused "You sick dog" He added in a whisper, but loud enough that Sirius could hear.

"Ouch" He rolled his eyes "Anyway, she's not my usual type"

"Your usual type being..?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Supermodel. Long legs and big boobs" He gestured with his hands.

"Of course. How stupid of me" Remus rolled his eyes at him.

"Then there's Hermione and Ginny who are both beautiful young women. Hermione almost of age..." He raised his left eyebrow at Remus, who looked disgusted.

"They're girls for Merlin's sake. Don't even go there. Touch them and you will be killed. By Molly, or Harry and Ron, or all of them together. You'd never know what hit you. They're young enough to be your children... In biological age at least" He added the last bit as an afterthought.

"Meaning?" Sirius looked at him, questioning.

"Maturity-wise, they're both way too mature for you" Remus smiled at him and poked his tongue out.

"Are you saying that they're out of my league?" Sirius acted offended.

"Yes, I am"

"Yeah... You're probably right" He conceded, shrugging. He finished his glass of whiskey and poured another.

"I always am. Don't you know that by now?" He acted exasperated.

"Shut up, Moons. Do you see my dilemma? I just need something or someone" He was suddenly serious again. He almost seemed sober... Almost. So he took another sip.

"Yes... I do. I'm kinda feeling the same too" He confided sadly.

"Moony gets horny? I'd never have thought it. Saint-like Remus would never feel anything sexual" Sirius was shocked, but laughed it off. Remus didn't usually talk about this type of thing. He usually just listened to Sirius' exploits with patience and kindness.

"You saw me as a hormone addled teenager, Siri. You know I'm no saint" He shrugged and opened his book, hoping to finish the conversation. Sirius wasn't going to let it drop that easily though.

"That's true. But I'm begging you; please don't ever bring up those memories again. Some things are best left unremembered" He thought back to all their teenage adventures and shuddered at the thought of some of the more embarrassing moments. Looking back at Remus, he could tell his thoughts had taken a similar turn as he stared off into space with a strange look on his face. Remus felt his stare looked back at him.

"You're right" Remus laughed as he shook the thoughts out of his head again.

"As you can see, there are very slim pickings to be had, my friend" Sirius said, laughing awkwardly.

"True. Our prospects are looking dire" He laughed lightly too.

"'Our'? You're not the one confined here. You're welcome to go and pick up a girl at a bar. And 'prospects looking dire'? Are you living in Victorian times?" Remus blushed as Sirius joked.

"It's at times like these when I feel you don't know me at all, Paddy"

"I didn't say you _would_ pick up a girl, Moony. I was just saying that you _could_. If you got over your crippling fear of rejection" He elbowed him in the ribs.

"I don't have a _crippling_ fear of rejection. It's only slightly debilitating" He giggled nervously. He took a deep breath and looked down at his book intently before adding "Despite that, I might not wanna pick up a girl..."

"Why on Earth not? You just said you were lonely too" Sirius furrowed his brow and studied Remus, as he blushed furiously.

"Because... I'm bi, Sirius" He said quietly. Sirius barely heard him, despite the silence in the rest of the house. The only other noise was the fire, which crackled quietly. Christmas was fast approaching and the cold had set in.

"Oh. Really? Okay... Fair enough. I guess" He was reeling. Why hadn't he told him before?

"You alright?" He glanced up at him, to gauge his reaction. Sirius was frowning, head cocked to the side, thinking furiously. Remus just waited, knowing he would reply when he'd thought it through a bit. His slightly inebriated mind took a little longer than he would usually.

"Yeah... For how long?" Was the first thing he could think to ask.

"How long have I known? About ten years" It was more like 15, but Sirius didn't need to know that.

"And you didn't think to tell me?" He sounded accusing.

"You wanted to know?" Remus was shocked. Sirius didn't usually care about anyone's love life except his own.

"Of course" Sirius answered without hesitation.

"Why?" Remus looked at him directly now, no longer scared of his response to the confession.

"Because it's part of you. I thought I knew everything about you" He sounded a little hurt. His forehead was still creased and he looked at Remus, reproachful.

"Like I said, sometimes I feel you don't know me at all" He shrugged and fiddled with the book on his lap for a moment. When he looked back up, he had a slight smirk on his face and asked sarcastically "Did you expect me to tell you the second you got out of Azkaban? Or did you want me to visit and tell you?" Sirius barked out a genuine laugh. The air lightened suddenly and they both relaxed again, not even realising that they had tensed.

"Don't be stupid. Anyway, this just means you definitely shouldn't be single. You've just doubled your options"

"So now it includes Dumbledore and Snape? It's hardly better. Besides which, they aren't gay"

"Dumbledore is" Sirius giggled childishly.

"No way!" Remus almost squeaked. His mouth hung open.

"I know. I hardly believed it either, but the more you think about, the more sense it makes" Sirius shrugged, like it was an everyday thing to say. Remus snapped his mouth shut again.

"Anyway, I can't just have any man I want" He said, somewhat sadly. He gazed into the distance.

"Why not? You're a good looking guy" He nudged Remus and winked "And everyone is slightly bi. It's not just gay or straight. There are all shades of grey. We all fit on the scale"

"So you've been with a man, Padfoot?" He was intrigued now.

"Um... No. I'm on the lower end of the scale" Sirius blushed at the fact he had been found in a slight lie.

"So you're just trying to comfort me?" He laughed as Sirius looked guilty and looked down at his drink of Fire Whisky. He took another swig, finishing his current glass. He poured another.

"Yes. Sorry"

"Don't be, Pads. I appreciate it" He patted him on the shoulder lightly "I'm just glad you're not freaking out about it"

"You thought I would?" He was slightly hurt that Remus thought he'd abandon him over something like that.

"My irrational and insecure side thought you would be. But I guess if you could accept my Lycanthropy, how hard could it be to accept my bisexuality?" He giggled slightly.

"True" They both giggled for a moment. They glanced at each other and Remus felt on top of the world and as if a weight had been lifted. He had no more secrets from his best friend. He had only felt this once before, back at Hogwarts. It was the day the other Marauders had discovered his furry little problem and not deserted him. Sirius downed his 7th glass of whisky for the night in one gulp.

"Anyway, it's getting late. I'd better get off to bed. I suggest you do the same. You need to sleep off all that whiskey" He stood and waited for Sirius to follow. But he stayed seated.

"Alright..." He hesitated, a drunken pout on his lips.

"What now?" Remus crossed his arms and sighed.

"I just wanted to say thanks"

"Thanks?" Remus was completely lost.

"For listening to me moan. Not just tonight, but for the last 25 years. And for telling me. For trusting me, despite everything" Remus knew he wasn't just talking about the trust shown tonight. He could have died in the shack over two years ago. But Remus had trusted him enough to let go and to help him explain. Remus still felt guilty that he could ever have thought Sirius would betray James. James and Sirius were as close to brothers as you could get. They were closer than Sirius and Regulus had ever been.

"You're welcome. I suspect it's the alcohol talking now, but I'll take the compliment anyway. And thank you too. For not abandoning me and for forgiving me for not trusting you all the time"

"It's okay, Moony. I'm not that drunk..." His now very slurred speech defied his words "You're my best friend, with James and that traitorous rat gone" They had made an unspoken agreement never to mention his name. Unlike Voldemort, whose name was too feared to be spoken, Peter's wasn't spoken because of the hurt and lack of respect they had for him.

"And you're my best friend too... Hang on... I rated worse than the rat?" He looked shocked.

"Never" Sirius giggled.

"I should hope so. He always was a whiny, slimy git. I'd like to think I'm better than that"

"Moony, you will never know how good you are. It's like you refuse to see it" Sirius stood on shaky legs and fell against Remus, who had expected it and already had his arms out waiting. Sirius threw his arms around Remus' shoulders. It seemed as if the act of standing had prompted the alcohol to take full effect.

"I'm falling for you, Moony" Sirius giggled. He had all his weight rested on Remus, who tried his hardest to keep him upright.

"Careful, Padfoot. You'll end up tripping through a window and killing yourself one of these days" He adjusted Sirius in his arms, so he could support him better.

"You'll be there to catch me though, won't you, Moony-bum?" Sirius mumbled into his shoulder.

"As long as I'm able, Padfoot. You know that" He hugged him a little closer, but only partly out of affection. Sirius had moved a bit and Remus was worried about a collapse.

"Moony?" Sirius said suddenly. He sounded sad.

"Yes?" He was concerned now.

"Hey, Moony?" Sirius wanted his full attention.

"Yes, Paddy?"He twisted to look down at him. While Sirius was usually a few inches taller than Remus, he was currently bent at a rather sharp angle. His bottom was sticking out quite a way.

"I love you, man" Sirius slurred. Remus' heart sunk.

"I know" Remus sighed miserably. Sirius was drunker than he'd thought.

"Moony?" He said again, this time sounding sulky.

"Yes, Padfoot?" Remus was starting to strain under his weight. He wanted him to stop talking so he could put him to bed.

"Don't you love me too?" He sounded unsure. Sirius was never unsure. It unsettled Remus.

"Of course I do. I always will" He emphasised the words, hoping that he would believe him. He patted Sirius on the back.

"Are you coming on to me?" Sirius said, flirting a little.

"No, I'm not. Just because I like men, does not mean I like you like that. If anything, you're coming on to me. You started this whole 'love' thing" His was on the defensive, but Sirius was too drunk to notice or care.

"I'm coming on to you?" He sounded genuinely unsure. Remus wondered how drunk someone had to be to not know if they were flirting or not. Apparently, they had to be exactly as drunk as his best friend was now.

"No, Pads. You're not" He assured him "Now do I have to drag you to bed?"

"See, Moonshine. You ARE coming on to me" He huffed.

"Look, I doubt that you'll remember any of this in the morning. That's a shame really. I don't want to have to come out twice" He shrugged and Sirius head moved with his shoulders "But luckily it means that you remember when I tell you this. To me, you are everything good. All I look for in a partner is what I see in you. I've known I was bi since I fell for you 15 years ago. So, to answer your question... Yes. I know you don't feel the same and you never will... But Padfoot, I love you too. More than I would ever admit to you sober" He had never admitted that to anyone. He barely admitted it to himself. He waited for a reply, but nothing came. Sirius had passed out in his arms.

Remus sighed and gently lowered him back onto the couch. He levitated him up the two flights of stairs to his bedroom and laid him on the bed. Remus gently brushed some of the soft, thick black hair back from his face. He leant over to gently kiss his forehead. He stood, looking at the beautiful unconscious man.

The sense of déjà vu was overwhelming. How many times had he taken care of Sirius when he was drunk?

He found himself desperately wishing once again that Sirius would flirt like that when he was sober. But he knew it was a vain hope. He knew that Sirius wasn't shy and always went after what he wanted, regardless of the consequences. That was the Slytherin side of him. If he had ever wanted Remus, he would have just told him... Or flirted like crazy. But he never showed a single hint of interest.

Except for tonight. Tonight he had told Remus that he loved him. Of course they'd said that before, but never like that. This was different. Was Sirius just testing Remus, now he knew he was bisexual? Or was he serious?

Remus had learnt a long time ago to strictly control his feelings. He was a very controlled and calm man. Most of the time, he felt nothing but friendly affection for the man. But it was moments like this, when Sirius had once again confused him that he felt the more-than-friendly love creep back in. "Drunk Sirius" always flirted and smiled that smile at him. The smile that he used on women to get what he wanted. It could melt anyone's heart. It had gotten him out of more trouble than anyone could remember.

"He's just lonely and desperate. Nothing more" Remus told himself out loud. Sirius shifted in his sleep and Remus froze. As soon as he knew it was safe, he retreated to his room to think everything over. Again.


	2. Chapter 2

Hi readers. I just wanted to say a huge thanks to everyone who favourited/added an alert on this story. I confess, I was suprised. I enjoy writing it and I'm glad that you are enjoying reading it. Love to you all.

Feel free to review if you want. Any comment is welcome. Even one word. I want to know what you like, dislike and where you think it's headed. I've almost finished writing it (unless my muse decides she wants more). It should be 11 or 12 chapters I think. Maybe more though. If you guys want it to be.

This chapter is a little slow and not much happens, but I promise good things for the next one.

I still don't own Harry Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin or any of the other characters in this story. I really wish I did.

.

.oOo.

.

The morning came far too quickly for the two men. They both felt awful.

Sirius had a dreadful hangover. It was by no means his worst, but it was enough to hurt. Just waking up made him want to be sick. He lay there for a while, not daring to move. After a while he opened his eyes. He immediately admitted that is was a stupid thing to do and closed them again. He wondered what must have happened last night to make him drink so much. Bit by bit, it came back to him. His eyes snapped open in shock and he clutched his head. He cursed himself.

Remus had barely slept. He was too scared of his dreams and too busy pondering why he had decided to stay the night at this house, when he knew what would always happen. He just couldn't help it. He was addicted to "Drunk Sirius", despite the fact he knew he shouldn't be. He knew he needed to stop, but after last night... It had only gotten worse.

Sirius made his way down to the kitchen first, clad only in his red boxers. He tried to make as little noise as possible on the creaky floorboards. This was as much for his benefit as Remus'. But Remus was already awake and heard him sneaking down the stairs. He followed him down after a few minutes.

Remus had sat debating whether to follow Sirius or not. On the one hand, he dreaded what he might remember. On the other, he was desperate to know how much he did remember. Finally, his curiosity got the better of him. He also knew that Sirius loved a big breakfast after a night of drinking. It was a wonder he wasn't as big as this house yet. But Sirius' cooking wasn't great and Kreacher had lost the knack after years alone.

Sirius sat at the end of the table, head in his hands. He was thinking over everything that had happened last night. Was it all a dream? Had Remus really been so open and honest about his sexuality with Sirius? Sirius knew that Remus was shy and while he always told him the truth, he never discussed these things before. It was unsettling and had Sirius wondering why.

Remus looked at the mangy dog. He looked a right mess. He was unwashed and unshaven, but when he looked up and smiled his cheekiest smile, it didn't matter. Besides, he was nicely toned, despite his inactivity. Remus had stopped to get changed into his clothes, but evidently, Sirius hadn't. Who cared about a little bit of stubble and greasy hair, when you had the body of a Greek God?

"How can you possibly smile like that? You drank at least half a bottle of Whisky last night" Remus shook his head, partly to show his disapproval and partly to clear his thoughts. He quickly got to work cooking.

"What can I say? I'm used to it. I've had plenty of practice. And it was three quarters" Sirius said with a hint of pride.

"Why do you do it, Pads?" Remus put the bacon on and scrambled some eggs.

"It's fun. And it passes the time" Sirius shrugged.

"Last night was fun for you? You didn't seem to be very happy to me" Remus glanced over his shoulder at the other man.

"That's true. I remember whining a lot" He laughed a gruff laugh and drank a bit of the whisky he had poured himself.

"You did... Do you remember much of last night?" Remus tried to sound casual.

"I remember up to about my 6th drink. Why?" Sirius knew what he was getting at, but decided to string him along.

"No reason" Remus slumped and Sirius' smile faded. It was too cruel, even for him.

"I remember you telling me that you're bi, if that's what you're asking" He said, unusually softly.

"Oh. You do? Um... Good. You remembered" Remus had hoped he had. But now the secret was out and it couldn't be taken back.

"Yes, I did, Moony my lad. And I haven't forgotten how disappointed I am in you either" He glared at Remus, who instantly became upset.

"What? You are? I knew I shouldn't have told you" He wanted to cry. But part of him was angry too. How dare Sirius judge him?

"That's why I'm angry. Why didn't you tell me sooner? Who else knows?" Sirius was very disappointed in Remus. After all they'd been through, how could he not trust him with this? It was a rather big thing to keep from your best friend. Did he never fully regain Remus' trust after Azkaban?

"I told you why I didn't tell you. Besides, only Dumbledore, Harry, Hermione and Tim know" Remus frowned as he flipped the bacon.

"You told Harry?" Sirius was shocked at this. Why would he tell a teenage boy before him? Was he closer to Harry than Sirius?

"Not as such..." He giggled a little and Sirius looked confused "Hermione guessed, as usual. She is too perceptive and far too intelligent" Sirius giggled. It all made sense now. Except one thing...

"So then... Who's Tim?" He dreaded the answer, but needed to ask the question. Why he needed to ask it, he wasn't sure. His brain wasn't quite up to speed yet, so he was running on instinct.

"Tim's... my ex boyfriend" Remus stared at the bacon. Sirius stared wide eyed at Remus.

"Really?" His voice came out a little higher than he would have liked. He coughed to clear his throat.

"Yes. Why does that shock you? I tell you I'm bi and I get mild surprise. I tell you this and I get utter disbelief?" Remus laughed a little to ease the tension, but didn't turn around. He was getting rather uncomfortable.

"No. It's just that I've never heard of him before. Did you make him up, Moony? Just to seem worldly? We all know you're as pure as the first snow in December" Sirius joked to lighten the mood. Remus finally turned to glare at him.

"No, I didn't make him up. Dumbledore knows him, if you don't believe me. We dated for a year and a half while you were in Azkaban" Remus acted offended. Sirius knew he wouldn't lie. He was just trying to mess with him and Remus played along.

"Okay, okay. I believe you" He rolled his eyes "But Merlin, Rem, a whole year and a half? That's a bloody long time"

"It's not a long time to normal people. Just because two nights is a long term relationship to you" Remus laughed. He didn't want to talk about Tim. He wanted Sirius to forget it and move on. But he wouldn't.

"Ouch. That's low" Sirius smiled "So what happened then?" He was too curious. Why did he want to know so badly? He didn't know.

"He found out about my condition" Remus said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. He shrugged and turned his attention back to the food. He didn't want Sirius to see him upset.

"So?" Sirius tried to make him feel better. Remus almost snorted.

"Not everyone is as casual about it as you and James were. He just couldn't handle the stress. But more than that, it was the prejudice. He wanted to live a normal life. He didn't want to be a pariah. Who wants to marry a werewolf?" His voice started to waver, so he stopped talking. He swallowed deeply and tried to steady himself.

"One day you'll find the perfect man, or woman, who won't give a hippogriffs arse about it" Sirius stated, a little too loudly. He didn't like seeing Remus upset. He wanted him to know that it was never a big deal. Not to him.

"I doubt it, Padfoot" Remus tried to smile at him, but failed.

"Godric, Moony. You need to lighten up. It doesn't define you. Besides, you can control it now, with the Wolfsbane. If he really loved you, it wouldn't matter. He sounds like a right git to me" Sirius was getting angry at this unknown "Tim". Remus turned away again.

"Please don't do this, Sirius. I loved him. I probably still do. Don't talk about him like that" He was comforted that Sirius cared, but it didn't help the situation. He wanted to cry, but he wasn't going to let himself.

"He hurt you" How could he still stand up for someone who hurt him like this? "It was one of the conditions of our friendship that we stand up for each other. So where does he live?"

"Why does that matter?" Remus snapped at him.

"I need to hex his balls off" Sirius sounded completely serious. Would he really risk that for Remus? Of course he would, he thought to himself.

"Thanks, Pads, but it's okay. I want him to be happy. Even if it's not with me" Remus smiled again, this time a little more convincingly. Sirius didn't want to let it go, but he knew he had to.

"Alright, but the offer is always there if anyone ever hurts you again" He promised.

"Thanks, Siri. I appreciate the thought" Remus felt a bit better, just knowing that.

"No problems. Besides, he might die of shock just seeing me" Sirius joked. Remus frowned.

"Why?"

"Have you forgotten that I'm a crazed mass murderer?" He shot him his best crazed smile.

"Yes, I had actually" He admitted. It was hard to see him as anything but the kind hearted man that had risked his life for his friends.

"Easy for you, perhaps" He rolled his eyes.

"Sorry. You know if I could clear your name, I would. But I can't" Remus felt sorry for him, again.

"I know. Maybe one day I'll find a girl who doesn't mind shagging a murderer" He shrugged.

"Perhaps. Here's your breakfast. Just the way you like it, greasy and disgusting" Remus turned his nose up at the food as he handed it to his friend.

"Thanks. You're a lifesaver. And I was joking, Moons. I know I haven't got a hope. We went through this last night. You should remember. You weren't the one drunk off your arse" He laughed his gruff laugh again.

"I know. But I don't like to disappoint you" Remus smiled at him and took a seat opposite him, drinking some of his newly poured orange juice. Remus ate only toast.

"Generous to a fault, you are" He shovelled some of the disgusting food into his mouth. He swallowed before continuing "I am not an idiot, despite appearances. I know that I told you I want to go out, but I never can. It's my punishment. Along with Azkaban, this is my own specialized torture for trusting the rat. And for convincing them to trust that scum ball"

"Don't beat yourself up" He had had this conversation at least twice before. He didn't blame Sirius and neither should he.

"Why not?" Sirius was resigned to the fact that he had killed his best friend. He was willing to live with the pain forever. He deserved it.

"We all trusted and distrusted the wrong people. You're a good person..." He added under his breath "The best"

"Thanks, Moony. You're a real pal" He gave him a smile, but it was marred by the fact his mouth was stuffed full of bacon.

"I try. Unfortunately, I have to go. I know you hate to be alone, but it's holidays in a month or so. Harry'll no doubt want to stay here with you" Remus knew this would bring Sirius out of his depression. And he was right. Sirius sat up straighter and his eyes shone brighter.

"You reckon?" He sounded so hopeful. Like a kid at Christmas time. Remus wondered again how someone so scarred and who had gone through so much could be so immature.

"I do. He loves you like a best friend. Like James did before him. Now don't get too drunk while I'm gone. I hate to think of you drunk and alone" Remus stood, having finished his juice.

"Why?"

"Because it's so sad. Truly tragic. Only losers drink alone" He hit Sirius playfully on the arm and ducked out of the way as Sirius tried to hit him back.

"You should join me then" Sirius joked.

"I really don't think so. Now I had definitely better go. See you next week" He smiled at Sirius as he walked to the fireplace.

"See ya" Sirius said, before Remus disappeared in smoke.

Sirius looked around the empty kitchen and desperately hoped that next week would come quickly.


	3. Chapter 3

I don't own the Harry Potter book series or anything else to do with it (I mean, I obviously own a copy of them, which sits upon my shelves, but I do not own the intellectual property). I'm just amazingly glad that the wonderful J.K. lets us play with her characters.

Hello you wonderful and beautiful people. It's been a while and I apologise profusely. This chapter includes a little bit of Dumbledore and a little bit of Tonks. You can imagine how much fun that's going to be! I don't hate Tonks, despite the fact I ship Wolfstar 'til the end of time. I just wish she'd never married Remus. Although I do like Teddy, so in a way, I'm glad she did. Anyway enough rambling and let's get on with the story.

.

.oOo.

.

It was exactly a week since their last drunken chat. The meeting had just finished and Tonks was begging Sirius to be able to stay the night. Sirius thought that would be a bad idea, even with Moony here. Sirius did things he wouldn't usually do when he was drunk. He didn't do anything truly stupid, but he tended to act on instinct. He didn't want his cousin to be one of those things that he did on instinct.

"Come on cuz. Let me stay over. I know you hate being alone"

"I'm not going to be alone. Remus is staying over again"

"He is? I didn't know" She tried to look innocent. As much as she loved her second cousin, she wasn't planning on staying because of him. She needed to get Remus alone and this was her best shot "Two people is a boring party. If I stay, we can have a proper party"

"You didn't know, huh?" He knew she was lying "As fun as that sounds, I think you'd better go home, baby cousin" He warned her.

"I'm not a baby" She pouted and crossed her arms, pushing her boobs up and driving Sirius crazy. Couldn't she see he was doing this for her own protection?

"No, you most certainly are not" He purred, trying desperately to control his eyes. He took a deep breath and tried to relax "But I think, with the 13 year age gap between us, I have the right to call you so"

"I don't think so" She countered as Remus walked past the door with McGonagall "What's 13 years? It's nothing" She said loudly, hoping he would hear her. Sirius saw her distraction and became angry. How dare she use him and this house to get close to Remus?

"Nymphadora Aurae Tonks, you go home right now. Leave or I will call your mother" He glared at her as he towered over her.

"Don't. Ever. Call. Me. That." She glared back "You'll call my mum? How old are you Sirius?"

"I'm old enough to tell you to go home. Besides, your mother would back me up on this" He wasn't going to back down.

"Oh, Sirius!" She laughed at him "That threat stopped working years ago. As an Auror, I fear nothing. Just because you were always terrified of your mother" She stood to her full height and crossed her arms tighter.

"Everyone was afraid of my mother. Are you seriously trying to tell me that if your mother came over here and ordered you to return home with her, you wouldn't even flinch?" He laughed as uncertainty flashed through her eyes.

"I challenge you to a duel!" She yelled at him as she leapt back and brandished her wand. Her hair turned a dangerous shade of red, as did her eyes. He smiled manically and drew his too. Remus and Dumbledore rounded the corner and stopped in the doorway. Dumbledore smiled and cleared his throat. The duellists looked over at him and slowly lowered their wands again. Tonks' hair and eyes returned to their "normal" state.

"Now now, you two. I would hate for two of my best Order members to hurt each other over a petty argument. What started all of this?" He waited patiently for an answer. They looked at each other, then back at Dumbledore.

"Nothing" They both grumbled. Dumbledore chuckled.

"I don't need you to tell me. But you need to be able to get along. I would appreciate it if there could be no more family spats"

"Yes, sir" They both replied.

"You are both so very alike, you know. You're both so willing to fight, both stubborn. Tonks, perhaps you should floo back to your apartment now and give yourselves some time to calm down?" He tried to make it sound like a question, but Tonks knew better than to disagree with Dumbledore.

"Okay. Maybe you're right" She sighed and started to walk towards the door.

"Maybe you could stay over next week?" Sirius asked suddenly. She turned and grinned at him. Remus resisted the urge to laugh.

"I'd really like that. Thanks cuz" She gave him a quick hug, before turning towards the men in the door again.

"There, now. Was that so difficult?" Dumbledore gave them his best serene smile.

"No, sir" They both said in unison.

"No need to call me sir. We're not at school any longer"

"It's just a reflex. I'm still so used to being told off by you for making trouble" Sirius laughed. Dumbledore chuckled again.

"Yet another thing you have in common. You were both such trouble makers. I see that time has not changed that. I am exceedingly glad" They all laughed. Remus, who had been silently watching this exchange, shook his head and smiled.

"If all is well, I shall bid you goodbye for now. The school cannot run itself and I fear if I am away too long it will be blown up"

"Good night, Albus. Thank you for the talk. I will let you know by next week" Remus shook his hand and hurried away to his room. Tonks watched him go sadly. Dumbledore held out his hand to her.

"Let me accompany you to the fireplace. I worry that one or both of us may trip down the stairs otherwise" Tonks grabbed his arm in the crook of the elbow and they both smiled and said goodbye to Sirius.

After they left, Sirius collapsed into his favourite arm chair and summoned his whisky.

.

.oOo.

.

It was almost midnight when Remus once again decided, against his better judgement, that he would seek Sirius out. Sirius had waited up for him. He knew that Remus would come to use the library when he couldn't sleep. He always did.

Sirius looked up at him and smiled as he entered the room. He had already had 3 glasses of whisky and was feeling a little bit buzzed.

"Drink with me. You said it's sad to drink alone, so join me" He gestured to the couch.

"I'm here with you. So you're not drinking alone" Remus countered as he took a seat.

"We both know that's not what you meant. So pour yourself a drink and join the fun" He summoned up a glass and thrust it at Remus.

"Okay. But I do this under sufferance" He said after a moments deliberation.

"I don't really care" Sirius laughed.

"At least you're honest, you crazy drunk. You can't continue drinking like a teenager, you know" Remus scolded him. He took a sip and his face screwed up. It had been years since he'd had a strong drink. He'd forgotten how bitter they could be. Sirius laughed at his reaction.

"Why not? Just because you don't drink, doesn't make me a drunk. I only seem like one in comparison" Sirius stuck his tongue out at him.

"I drink sometimes. I just do it responsibly. You are going to kill yourself one of these days"

"Responsibly? You can't do something responsibly if you don't do it at all. You take two sips and stop. And we've all gotta die, Moony. It's no big deal. Besides, I'd rather drink and have fun than be boring and live to a hundred and fifty"

"Fair enough, I guess" They both took large sips of their drinks.

"What was that fight with Tonks all about?" Sirius snorted and gulped down the rest of his whisky.

"She wanted to stay here the night. I told her to bugger off"

"Ah" Was all Remus could say.

"I think she's got a little bit of a crush on you, Remy" He said it like a school child would, jeeringly.

"Really?" He tried to hide his face behind his glass as he took another sip, finishing the glass. He poured another drink for them both.

"I know you know. Don't try to hide it from me" He punched his arm playfully "Who on this Earth knows you better than I do, huh?"

"No one, Sirius. You know that" Remus smiled back at him.

"Why don't you go after her then? You said you were lonely. She's an alright kid, if you like that sort of thing" Remus almost choked on his whisky.

"She's wonderful. She really is. But I can never truly love her while I'm in love with someone else" He said sadly.

"You need to get over this Tim guy, Rem. It's been years!" Sirius waved his hand, as if dismissing his feelings for Tim. But he didn't know that Remus wasn't thinking of Tim at this moment.

He had been hung up on Tim for many years. But right now, Tim wasn't his main preoccupation.

"I know. I just can't let go, no matter how hard I try" Remus finished his third whisky and was catching up to Sirius' intoxication, fast.

"Well if she's not man enough for you, could you please just tell her?"He whined. He didn't want to have her hanging around all the time. Sirius liked his time with his best friend. Having her around would only ruin everything.

"Alright, Siri. I will..." He paused and smiled "Did you know next week is full moon?" Sirius gave him a smirk that told him that he did "I wondered why you asked her over for next week"

"I couldn't help it. She'll be furious" He laughed his big laugh, but it came out a little too high pitched. It was almost hysterical.

"You're horrible, you know that?" Remus giggled and finished his fourth drink.

"Of course I do. But it keeps life interesting" He poured yet another drink for Remus before finishing his own.

"That's for sure" Remus grinned and took a sip.

"She doesn't know about you?" He asked suddenly.

"That I'm bi? No. But it doesn't matter. It's not the reason why I don't like her like that. It doesn't play a part in deciding who I want to date"

"Really? Fascinating" Sirius adopted a look of intense concentration.

"Are you sure you're okay with it, Sirius?" He didn't know why he bothered to ask. It's not as if he could do anything to change the fact. Sirius would just have to learn to live with it. Or they'd be pushed apart.

"Yes. I'm super sure. I'm curious, is all. Is that okay, Moony?" He was worried that if he asked too many questions, or the wrong questions, he might upset Remus. And that's the last thing he ever wanted. He was the only real friend he had left.

"It's fine. Ask me anything you want. I'm nothing if not honest" If this was what it took for Sirius to accept it, then he would answer any question that was thrown at him. However, this didn't stop him from dreading what might be asked.

"What made you finally realize that you're bi?" He finished his eighth drink and set his glass down. He was starting to feel sick.

"I don't know. I guess I always knew. It just took a bit of drinking to make me realize" He finished his fifth and Sirius absentmindedly waved his wand to refill it again. Remus didn't want to think of that night, all those years ago, when the Marauders had gotten drunk and Sirius had awakened feelings in him that he hadn't known existed. Damn "Drunk Sirius"!

"So that's why you don't drink. Makes sense, I guess" Sirius shrugged.

"There are more reasons than that, Sirius"

"What do you mean?" Sirius cocked his head to the side in a very dog like manner.

"Nothing. Forget I said anything" He felt like screaming. He needed to keep his mouth shut. But this alcohol was making him reckless.

"I can't forget it. Why don't you drink?"

"Um... Because I don't want to damage my body" Perhaps Sirius would believe it. It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the truth either.

"And?" Sirius knew that wasn't the reason. Remus searched his mind for more ideas.

"Because I don't enjoy it particularly"

"And?" He knew there was more.

"Because I lose control" Remus finally admitted "And I can't afford to do that very often. Especially not now" Sirius knew it was the truth. He saw it in his best friends amber eyes, which were looking sad.

"Why not? Let yourself go, Moonshine. Sometimes it's good to lose control" He urged.

"Not always. I can't risk doing anything stupid" Remus shook his head in an overly emphasised way. He was trying to convince them both.

"Like what? Like dancing like an idiot?"

Sirius got up and started dancing around. He grabbed Remus' hand and yanked on it too hard. Remus went flying at him and they both fell to the ground laughing. Remus turned his head to look at Sirius, who was lying on top of him. Sirius looked beautiful. All those years of Azkaban melted away when he smiled. Remus couldn't help himself. He reached out and stroked his face. Sirius stopped laughing and looked at him seriously. His face scrunched up in the way that a drunken persons face does when they try to figure something out.

"Moony?" He asked quietly.

"Yes, Padfoot?" Remus whispered back. It was almost undecipherable. His voice was so slurred by now.

"I love you"

Oh no.

.

.oOo.

.

What will happen next? I know, but I like leaving you with a cliff-hanger. I'm just Slytherin like that.

Just a quick question: If there was to be a bedroom scene between these two, would you want it to be fairly well detailed or just implied?


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thanks for all the support guys and girls. I wish I could reach through my computer screen and hug you all. Not in a creepy way, of course.

Now in regards to my question last chapter, I will bow to public pressure and do a sex scene, but not yet. I had always planned for this chapter to be a bit ambiguous. I know, you hate me. But it will be worth it in the long run.

I still don't own the characters. I know, isn't it disappointing?

.

.oOo.

.

Remus was the first to wake up this time. He had woken up too early. He sensed the brightness of the room and kept his eyes shut. His head was throbbing with every breath and every heartbeat. He had felt worse, of course. This was nothing compared to his monthly transformations. However this was worse in one way. He had done this to himself. He had no excuses. Except that he had been stupidly talked into it by "Drunk Sirius".

He had thought that by joining Sirius in drinking, he might enjoy the time with "Drunk Sirius" better. However, it had backfired. He remembered shockingly little of last night. Perhaps it would come back to him when his head stopped pounding and his thought processes returned to him.

He stretched his body. His left arm reached out and he felt flesh on flesh. And he was sure that only one part of the flesh was his. He suddenly and alarmingly became aware of snoring.

He froze and his heart began racing, making the headache that much worse. His drink addled mind did it's best to comprehend the situation. When it couldn't come up with anything useful, due to lack of previous experience in this area, he decided he'd better take a peek. Perhaps Tonks had finally talked her way into his bed. Not a great situation, but unquestionably better than the alternative. It simply couldn't be...

He opened his eyes slowly and carefully. Out of the corner, he saw a mass of extremely messy black hair. He squeezed his eyes shut again and said a silent prayer to whoever or whatever would listen. He still hadn't given up on the hope of this being Tonks. Maybe black was her sleeping hair colour.

He reopened his eyes and turned cautiously to see that smile. That astoundingly gorgeous smile that melted your heart and made you want to do anything, just to see it again. Unless Tonks did a really accurate Sirius impression, he was in serious trouble. The snoring had become more familiar, now that his awareness was creeping back. After 7 years sharing a room, you got to know the other occupants every habit.

Remus breathed in through his nose and exhaled through his mouth. It was a breathing technique he used often to keep himself calm and in control. The smell of Sirius that his nose met with only confirmed the fact that it was indeed him lying next to him. Sirius had a particular musk that belonged only to him. Remus never was sure if it was cologne or his own natural smell.

_Perhaps I dragged him to bed, but we were both so drunk that I couldn't make it back to my own_, he reasoned in his mind. No, that couldn't be it. This was his bed.

He knew that he was naked. The only thing that could salvage this situation was if Sirius was wearing something. Anything. He gently lifted the blankets. Sirius was completely and wonderfully naked. However, Remus didn't stop to admire the view. He'd seen it all a million times already anyway.

"Oh shit" Remus cursed. He barely breathed it. Remus usually didn't swear. Not that he couldn't or wouldn't. Just that it took a lot to get through his calm rational mind and force it from him. For example, sleeping with his best friend. At least neither of them woke up... Excited.

Under no circumstances was Sirius to wake up here and now. Remus decided to find his wand and transfigure some clothes onto Sirius. Then, if he had time, he'd levitate him back to his own room. He jumped out of bed as quickly as he could without disturbing the other occupant. He did his best to ignore the seasick feeling he had and desperately searched for their clothes. He found none and really started to panic. They must have taken them off magically. But he couldn't find their wands either.

He was so preoccupied that he didn't even notice that the snoring stopped. He jumped when Sirius yawned.

"Morning, Moony"

"Um. Good morning" Remus covered himself with his hands.

"What's so good about it?" he groaned. Remus giggled nervously. Sirius turned to look at Remus. His eyes widened in shock, before he groaned again. His eyes weren't ready for the sudden assault of light "I don't mean to be rude, Rem, but why are you in my room? And why on Earth are you naked?"

"Actually, this is my room" He corrected him. He watched as Sirius glanced around the room briefly through squinted eyes.

"So it is... Then why am I here?" He asked cautiously. He was trying to remain calm.

"I don't remember. Do you?"Remus replied hopefully.

"How could I possibly remember? I drank a lot more than you did. I had a significant head start" He laughed a little nervously.

"I was hoping that you'd remember despite that. Because I have absolutely no idea" Remus was ashamed with himself. He'd never drunk so much that he'd lost memories before.

"I'm naked" Sirius stated suddenly.

It wasn't a question, but the awkward silence was deafening, so Remus simply replied "Yes"

"And so are you" Sirius was trying to comprehend the situation. Speaking it all out loud was helping his stay calm, but it wasn't changing the uncomfortable facts. This was all a bit too much to be a practical joke. Besides, Remus was never really the instigator of a prank.

"Obviously" Remus blushed a little. He desperately wanted to resume the search for clothes. If the situation hadn't been so weird, he would have scolded Sirius for being so slow to understand what was happening. Or rather, what had or had not already happened.

"Did you wake up in this bed too?" He regretted asking it, but he had no choice. This wasn't the sort of position you could just walk away from and forget.

"Yes" Remus swallowed a little too loudly.

"Oh... Okay... We didn't, did we?" He looked in Remus' eyes, searching for the answer.

"No. Of course we didn't. I think we'd know if we had" He rolled his eyes, mocking Sirius for even suggesting it.

"Yeah. I think you're right. Besides, we were far too drunk to have done anything. Right?"

"Right" Remus nodded.

"So we didn't?" He wanted to confirm the fact once more. Remus would know if anything had happened.

"No. We didn't" Remus tried his hardest to seem sincere, but he couldn't ignore the ache that proved him very, very wrong. Either he and Sirius had actually slept together or Remus had sat on something he shouldn't have.

He didn't dare tell Sirius that though. It would just push him away. If they had slept together, it would have been his fault. For a start, he was the more sober and responsible of the two. And secondly, he was the one who had lusted after his friend for years. There was no way that Sirius would have initiated anything. If indeed anything had actually happened, which neither of them wanted to contemplate. Despite the strong evidence to the contrary.

Of course Remus had thought about this moment. Of waking up next to the Gryffindor sex god. However, he never truly wished for those dreams to come true. It would change everything. And even if he had, he didn't imagine it to go like this. This was not a fantasy. This was a tragedy. Where did they go from this?

Sirius could usually see right through Remus' lies. But he was too preoccupied with his own worries to notice the shaking in Remus' hands. Besides, he didn't want to look at where his hands were or what they were covering.

"So, are there any clothes about the place? I like being naked, but I'd like to get up and have breakfast. Even just some boxer shorts would do" He looked around the floor, but saw nothing.

"I can't find them. I was looking for them when you woke. You can borrow some of mine while I go downstairs. We must have left our stuff down there" He sounded apologetic.

Sirius thought that this definitely wasn't a good sign. Try as he might, he couldn't think of a platonic situation in which they would take off all their clothes in the library, before going to bed together.

"And our wands?" Sirius really couldn't afford to lose his wand. It's not like he could go to Diagon Alley and pick up another one.

"Same thing I'm afraid. They're not here. I'll get them on the way out. I'll send your stuff up here if you'd like. Save you getting up" He was standing in the middle of the room so awkwardly. He wanted nothing more than to run away. He felt so exposed. He was shy at the best of times. He inched towards the door unconsciously.

"Thanks. You're going so soon?" The thought that Remus would just run away from him like this hurt more than Sirius wanted to admit. Was Remus angry at him? Had this ruined their friendship forever?

"Yes. Unfortunately, you'll have to get your own breakfast for once. Looks like it's just juice. Or whisky"

"Oh. Very funny. Are you sure you can't stay for just a little while?" He hoped it didn't sound desperate. He just needed to figure out what had happened and how Remus felt about it. He didn't even know how he felt about it. Perhaps the space would do them good, but he didn't want to be alone right now. He'd seen many girls feel this the morning after a drunken hook-up, but he'd never experienced it before. The self-consciousness and guilt wasn't like him at all.

"I have a meeting with Dumbledore. I can't keep him waiting" Remus looked at the floor. Sirius knew it was a lie. He'd spent all last night talking to Dumbledore. What else could there be to discuss?

"Alright. There's nothing scarier than an irate Dumbledore" Dumbledore rarely got angry, but when he did, it was best to be as far away as possible.

"Very true. Now you get some more sleep or something. If my head hurts this bad, I can't imagine yours" Remus wanted nothing more than to climb back into bed just to sleep, but he'd just have to deal with it. He'd planned to set off on his mission tomorrow, but it seemed like a tremendously good idea to get away from the gorgeous, vulnerable, naked man in his bed.

"It could be worse" Sirius shrugged and watched as Remus finally crossed to the door. His scars shone white against his tanned skin. The missions had given him a slight golden tint. It looked healthy. It looked good. Sirius shook his head and blinked. Did he really just think that about his best friend? _And possible lover_... His inner voice added. He suddenly felt very ill.

"I will never know how you do it" Remus tried to ignore the double meaning that could be taken by that comment. He opened the door and stepped out, hiding himself behind it. He cleared his throat and said "I'll talk to you later. I won't be back for a couple weeks"

"Again?" He said, a little disappointed and a little surprised.

"Again" Remus sighed. The missions were starting to take their toll. He hadn't told anyone their purpose, by Dumbledore's request. But he was dying to share his burden.

"Okay. Have fun with the mission" He mentally added "I'll miss you" He would miss him, but it didn't seem like the best thing to say right now. When did Sirius become so clingy and sentimental?

"I'm sure I won't but it needs to be done. See ya later then" He gave Sirius a small smile and left, closing the door behind him.

"Yeah. See ya" Sirius called after him.

Sirius heard Remus walking down the creaky stairs and opening the door to the library. He sat, dazed for a moment. He didn't want to think about it, but his mind just wouldn't co-operate this morning. What had he done?

After a few moments, he was jolted back to reality by a loud pop. His clothes appeared on the end of the bed, perfectly folded. His wand lay on top. He sighed and got up. He got redressed, despite knowing that he didn't need to. He was only going to have breakfast and there was no one else in the house except Remus and Kreacher. Kreacher didn't matter and he and Moony had seen each other naked more times than they could possibly count. Not on purpose, of course. Besides which, he'd been wearing the same clothes for a few days now. They could really use a wash. So could he, now he came to think about it.

After he'd finished dressing, he opened the door and peeked outside. He didn't hear anything, so he wandered down the stairs. He heard the front door close softly, just as he reached the library. Now, he was alone again. With his thoughts... Damn.

He wandered inside and sat on the couch. He looked around. Everything seemed normal and tidy, but he supposed it was Moony's doing. He couldn't bear anything to be messy. Sirius, if left to his own devices, would probably live in squalor. Kreacher was not much help these days either.

He summoned his whisky again, but thought of what Moony had said. His stomach flipped again. Then he did what he hadn't done since his teenage drinking days. He vomited. All over his mothers old Persian rug. He cleaned it up with a flick of his wand. Not that he'd have minded ruining the old bats rug.

What was going on? Had he woken up in a parallel universe?

No. He had seduced his best friend and woken up feeling guilty... And something he couldn't put his finger on. If he'd listen to himself, he'd realise it was satisfaction. But he wasn't going to acknowledge it. And that's what made him feel so sick.

He knew that something had happened between them. There was no other explanation. But what could he do about it now? It was entirely his fault. He knew how he behaved when he drank. He'd flirt with a coat stand if he was drunk enough.

Had he done it because he was frustrated? Would he have done this if he didn't know Moony was bi? Would he have slept with anyone that was here? A million questions raced around his still groggy mind.

He'd never gotten drunk with Moony like that before. Of course they'd drunk with James and the rat at Hogwarts and after. But they'd never drunk alone before. Sirius had always gotten drunk in groups. The only other times he'd had drinks one on one before was with women. They tended to end exactly as this had. Well, not EXACTLY.

He couldn't deal with everything alone, but his best friend had left him. He couldn't really talk to Remus about it anyway. He hadn't felt this alone since Azkaban. His desolation was crushing. Suddenly he appreciated his situation a little better. Perhaps his life wasn't that bad after all...

He wanted to know how Remus was feeling. He thought he should have been feeling hurt, used and betrayed. But he hadn't acted like it. He'd acted embarrassed, which was understandable, since he was standing naked in the middle of a room after sleeping with his best friend. But he'd also acted apologetic. Why on Earth would he act like that? Trust Moony to apologise for anything and everything. Next he'd be apologising for the bloody Spanish inquisition.

Sirius wanted to find him and talk to him. But he didn't know where he'd gone. Even if he could leave the house and find him, it was clear he didn't want to talk about it.

Sirius could just curse him! This was eating him alive. How could Remus be so damn calm all of the time? He needed to forget and have a drink. He picked the whisky up again and poured himself his first, but certainly not the last, drink of the day.

.

.oOo.

.

I am swiftly running out of pre-written chapters, so I will have to get my skates on. Luckily, I have a few days off now, so I will hopefully get some done. Besides, I don't want to let you all down. You have all been so great. Thank you.

Next chapter has a little more Tonks and Sirius, as well as some Dumbledore. Until then, have fun guys. And don't forget to click the button to tell me what you think, if you are so inclined.


	5. Chapter 5

Hi everyone. I'm sorry for my lack of updates lately. I've been spending all my time either at work or asleep. I feel like such a bad writer for leaving you waiting. I hope you enjoy this chapter and that it will make up for it a bit. It's a bit of a slow one, but it will get interesting very quickly after this. I promise.

Again, thanks for all the alert and review love. I really appreciate it.

I'm not J.K. and as such, I do not own these characters. I merely play with them for my own amusement.

.

.oOo.

.

The next week flew by in a blur of drinks, guilt and unconsciousness. Sirius was feeling much calmer since his "talk" with Remus, but in another way he was even more agitated. He wasn't as desperate to run away anymore since Remus had reassured him and talked him down. Or at least, that's how he was rationalizing it. He didn't dare contemplate that his new found contentment and lack of libido was because of his best friend. He might have known deep down that they had slept together, but it didn't stop his wishful denial. If he ignored it, it would go away. So, he got drunk to distract himself. Although, drinking didn't stop the rather alarmingly graphic dreams. It took all of his concentration to think of anything else, but Moony.

Dumbledore arrived an hour early for the meeting. He woke Sirius up by continuously knocking on the door. This also woke his mother's portrait up and, after a few moments of wishing everything would disappear, Sirius arose from the couch to shut them both up.

He hoped that it would be Remus at the door, but he knew it wouldn't be. Remus was the only one, apart from himself, who could open the door with just a tap of his wand. Dumbledore could have if he wanted to. But he felt it was too rude to just enter without announcing oneself. It seemed impractical for Remus to ring the bell each time, considering this was now his home as well. Not that he was here very often...

He walked past his mother who was screaming obscenities. He opened the door to Dumbledore's smiling face. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the brightness.

"Ah, Sirius. I began to fear you had disappeared. Good afternoon. Or should I say morning?" Sirius didn't dignify that with a response. Instead, he gave Dumbledore a disdainful look "I trust you haven't forgotten that the Order is meeting here tonight?"

"Of course not, Albus. How could I possibly forget?" He sneered at him sarcastically. He had in fact forgotten and he couldn't think of anything worse than a meeting tonight. The thought of all the noise and people made him feel a little sick. Why couldn't they find someone else to bother with their meetings? He wanted to help the cause, but he'd rather be out there fighting. He motioned Dumbledore inside and shut the door.

"Then perhaps you had best clean yourself up. The others will be here in about an hour. You should have plenty of time" He yelled over Sirius' mother.

"Yeah. You're probably right" He did concede that he looked a complete mess in his current state. They shut the curtains over the portrait with difficulty and he walked up to his bathroom.

After he had washed and shaved, he got dressed in his cleanest clothes, which were still in need of a wash. He wondered if that useless Kreacher ever did anything around here. By the time he'd finished changing, half an hour had passed and he was feeling much better. He decided he'd better go down and keep Dumbledore company. Maybe he could get some information out of him.

He found Dumbledore in the library, which was quickly becoming the most used room of the house. Dumbledore had picked up Remus' book and was flicking through it when Sirius joined him.

"Better?" He asked a little bitterly.

"Much better, Sirius. You always took such effort in your appearance before. What has happened?" He scrutinised the younger man. Sirius looked back, defeated. He shrugged.

"What is there to look good for now?"

"Sirius, I understand your frustrations. I know that you feel useless. But believe me when I say that you have been invaluable to us" He sounded sincere enough.

"This house has. I only let you use it" He kicked the rug at his feet. The rug was taking quite a beating these days.

"And we are grateful. As for your loneliness..." Dumbledore smiled at him, eyes twinkling.

"Yes?" Sirius was feeling cautious now.

"I notice it has lessened. I knew that having Remus here would calm you. He is helping, isn't he?" He smiled a little too kindly.

"Yes, he is" He tried not to blush or punch the old man. He always knew too much. It unnerved him sometimes.

"Good," He nodded "Unfortunately, he is absolutely vital to our mission. I apologise for him having to leave so much. However, he should be back before Christmas" Dumbledore chuckled on the inside at the reaction that invoked from Sirius. He was relieved.

Sirius had completely forgotten that Christmas was fast approaching. He was looking forward to the school holidays, but had entirely forgotten what they were for. This thought made him happier. He always loved Christmas. The thought of spending it with his best friend and godson made him lighten immediately.

The door bell rang at that moment. His mother started her screaming again. For once though, Sirius was glad for the interruption. He didn't want to discuss himself and Remus with Dumbledore before he'd had a chance to talk to talk to Remus. To be honest, he didn't even know what to say to Moony when he did get back.

He rushed down to the door and found Mad-Eye and Tonks on the other side.

"Wotcher, cuz" Tonks pushed past him into the house.

"Feel free to come in then" He yelled after her.

"We will" She yelled back, trying to fix the curtains.

"You'll never close them alone" Mad-Eye grumbled and strode in after her. Soon they had the portrait quiet again.

"So, anyone else here yet?" Tonks asked, looking around rather hopefully.

"Just me and Dumbledore so far" Sirius suppressed his smirk.

"See, Mad-Eye? I told you we didn't need to be here so early" She teased the older wizard, who growled back.

"It always pays to be early, young Tonks. Besides, I have a matter I wish to discuss with Dumbledore. If you'll excuse me" He didn't wait for their reply. He hobbled up the stairs.

"So... Who else are we expecting this evening?" She tried to sound casual, but failed miserably.

"I don't know. Just the usual crowd I guess" She seemed unsatisfied with his answer, but she couldn't bring herself to ask outright. Sirius turned away so she couldn't see his grinning and walked towards the kitchen. She followed him and they sat in silence.

Dumbledore and Mad-Eye joined them after a few minutes and the other Order members began arriving. Both Sirius and Tonks sat up every time someone new arrived and they stared at the door like their lives depended on it. If Sirius had been in dog form, his ears would have been pricked, listening as the door opened and closed and people welcomed each other (even though he knew Remus wouldn't be here). Dumbledore was the only one who saw this and he sighed. Those two were far too alike for his liking. Someone was going to get hurt in this situation, though who it was going to be was a mystery to him. He knew how Remus and Tonks felt, but Sirius was always something of a closed book. Something had happened with him and Remus, of that he was sure. His behaviour indicated that he wanted Remus to be here, but in what capacity?

He loved those children. _Although_, he thought to himself, _they weren't children anymore_. He wished that he could help in some way, but he doubted it would do any good. The heart would do as it wished. Dumbledore made a mental note not to interfere unless absolutely necessary.

Dumbledore took a quick head count and cleared his throat to gain everyone's attention. Tonks' heart fell as she realised that Remus wouldn't be joining them tonight. She looked at Sirius, who doggedly avoided her gaze. She sighed and tried, but failed, to listen to Dumbledore, who had started the meeting.

.

.oOo.

.

Dumbledore ended the meeting after three long hours. Sirius had taken to counting the lines of grain on the tabletop just to stay awake. He didn't know why he bothered to sit through the meetings any more. There was never anything concerning him in them. He really only stayed for Harry's sake, so that he would know what to tell him and how to help him. But even that was stifled by Molly's over protectiveness. But how would Harry know what to do if he didn't have all the information?

As soon as Dumbledore called an end to it, Sirius almost ran from the room. He took refuge in the library. He sat for a moment, trying to catch his breath, before Tonks peeked around the door with a glare.

"Sirius?" Her tone was accusatory and he knew he was in trouble now.

"Yes, Dora?" He answered casually, using the family nickname. He was sitting on the couch, feet up on the table, flicking through a Quidditch magazine.

"Is Remus staying here with you at the moment?" She had crossed her arms and her knuckles were white from being clenched so tightly.

"No. He's off on a mission. Besides, it's the full moon. Why do you ask?" He flipped another page.

"You know full well, Sirius. You knew he wouldn't be here. That's why you invited me to stay. Don't act dumb" She came to stand in front of the table, beside his legs.

"It's not an act. I'm known for my good looks, not my intellect" He flicked his hair in a very theatrical manner.

"Trust me, I know. You never were going to be in Ravenclaw, were you?" She giggled.

"Oi! Bloody Hufflepuff" He went to smack her arm with the magazine, but she stole it from him and threw it away instead. She hit a vase and it shattered. She pulled out her wand and waved it, restoring it perfectly. She turned back to Sirius.

"You know that I like him"

"I like him too. He's a truly wonderful chap" He knew where this conversation was headed and he didn't like it one bit.

"Cuz, you know what I mean" She sat on the table next to his feet, dejected. Her hair went a little duller pink.

"Why don't you tell him then?" He sighed. He had no choice but to talk to her, as uncomfortable as it would be. His feet hit the floor with a dull thud as he sat up straighter and crossed his arms.

"I have. I have really tried. I liked him from the moment I met him. He just keeps pushing me away. What do I do, Sirius?" She looked at him, desperate.

"You haven't taken a hint? If he keeps pushing you away, it's probably for a reason" He shrugged at her.

"But he likes me! I know he does. I make him laugh and we can talk about anything. Just that every time I try to talk to him about us, he mumbles about the fact he's a werewolf and old. I've known both of those things right from the start. He just treats me like I'm a child that doesn't understand what I'm getting myself into"

"Look, it's nothing personal, I'm sure" He wanted to help her, he really did. But Moony's feelings were a mystery to him. Their relationship hadn't been the same since he returned. There seemed to be a lot about his friend that he didn't know.

"Has he said something to you about me?" She brightened.

"Not as such..." He sighed as she frowned again "He's hung up on an ex. And he's right about the age difference. It's just weird" He really didn't like the idea of his baby cousin and his best friend doing anything other than talking. It made him feel sick. He was starting to get frustrated. He wanted her to go away. He wanted a drink.

"No it's not" She pouted.

"Anyway, I'm not the person to go to for relationship advice. I never was much good at it"

"It's not relationship advice I need! It's Remus advice I need. You know Remus better than anyone. I need to know if I have a chance" She gave him her best puppy dog eyes. He glared at her.

"I don't know. He seems pretty upset about this ex of his and until he gets over it, I would back off a bit. Give him time, Dora" He had seen the look in his eyes when he talked about his ex that night. He looked like James had done when he talked about Evans. It was strange that she was still Evans in his mind. He called her that, even after the wedding. He knew she hated it and that's why he loved it.

"I can't wait forever" She was so torn. She really adored him, but she wanted love. She could easily get another boyfriend if she wanted. But she wanted Remus.

"Then move on to someone else who's not quite so emotionally messed up"

"But I love him" She surprised him with that. Love? Since when were they talking about love?

"Then wait. Those are your options" He shrugged again "I personally think you should move on"

"Why?" She looked at him, hurt. Was she not good enough? She knew she was strong, beautiful (if she wanted to be) and loyal. She might not have been as intelligent as Remus, but they talked a lot and she was trying to learn.

"He's not right for you" He stated bluntly. He didn't know why he thought this. He just did.

"In what way?" She was getting ready to hex him.

"I don't know. I just don't see it" He shrugged at her nonchalantly and looked into her eyes, unafraid.

"How would you know? You've never had a proper relationship in your entire life!" She stood, knocking the table over behind her.

"I know you and Moony. I just don't think you'd work out" He was readying for the attack. Her hair had turned darker pink, approaching red.

"So you want us both to live alone like you forever?" She spat at him. She pitied him for his loneliness. She knew it was hitting below the belt, but she was angry and knew it would get to him more than anything else.

"I'm not alone!" He stood as well now, towering over her "I have Harry..."

"At holidays, sometimes" She sneered.

"And I have Remus" He smirked at her. He did have Remus under his influence. If he told him not to date her, he wouldn't. Because Remus would never hurt Sirius.

"So that's it? You'd rather keep your best friend alone so you can be bachelors together?"

"I want Remus to be happy. But if it's not with you, then what do you want me to do, force him?" He spat back.

"Talk to him. Help him see sense!" She almost begged.

"No. I will not talk him into anything he doesn't want. It's his choice. And I will win" He was yelling anything now. He really didn't know what he was saying or thinking. Or feeling.

"Win what?" She stopped yelling, confused. Dumbledore cleared his throat in the doorway.

"Excuse me? I hate to interrupt your argument once again, but I must talk to Tonks before I leave"

"Of course, Dumbledore, sir. Sorry" Tonks looked down, embarrassed to be caught yelling at Sirius a second time in as many weeks. She supposed that they did have quite a few years of family dysfunction to catch up on. And at least this time Remus hadn't seen it. The last thing she needed was him reminded of her immaturity yet again. Although, lack of years wouldn't explain Sirius' immaturity.

"I have warned you about your fights. At least everyone else has already left, or this could have been much more embarrassing" He looked between them. They resembled self-conscious teenagers again. He internally chuckled.

"Yeah. We're sorry, Albus" Sirius added.

"Good. Now Tonks, perhaps you would like to travel back to the school with me? Unless you still planned on staying the night here?" He smiled. It was definitely not a good idea to keep these two together right now.

"No. I'd like to see the old castle again. It's been quite a while" She was excited at the thought of seeing the place again. Sirius desperately wished he could go with them.

"Indeed. Shall we go now?" He held out his arm for her once again. He hoped this wouldn't become a routine.

"After you, Albus" She smiled. She turned to Sirius and hugged him. She did love her cousin. But they were never going to have a calm relationship. They were both far too explosive "I'm sorry for yelling at you, cuz" She whispered to him.

"It's okay, Dora. I'm sorry too" He said as she pulled away. They gave each other smiles and she grabbed Dumbledore's arm and they left Sirius alone with his misery once again. He righted the coffee table and summoned his whisky to start another night of drinking.

.

.oOo.

.

Another week flew by. The Order arrived for another meeting. Remus still hadn't come back and Tonks was out on a mission now too. Sirius couldn't help but hope that they weren't together somewhere being happy. He wanted everyone to be as miserable as he was right now. Worst of all, his desire to run away had come back with a vengeance.

He almost wished Tonks was here, just so he could yell and vent some of his increasing frustrations again.

Snape walked in with Dumbledore and immediately sneered at Sirius' appearance. Sirius thought that is was rather hypocritical and was ready to hex him, but let it go after Dumbledore gave them both a look. It wasn't a glare exactly, because glaring really wasn't Dumbledore's thing. However, they each got the meaning loud and clear anyway.

After the meeting finished, everyone began talking about their plans for Christmas. It suddenly dawned on Sirius that he hadn't even thought of gifts. He rushed up to Dumbledore.

"Albus, can I ask you a favour?"

"Of course you can, Sirius. What do you need?" His eyes twinkled at Sirius, who was looking more animated than he had all night. Albus was glad to see him excited again. His exuberance was one of his best qualities.

"I haven't gotten anyone any Christmas gifts and I was wondering if you could perhaps go to Honeydukes and buy as much chocolate as you can for 50 galleons?" He rummaged around in his pocket and fished out coins of various values.

"My dear man, you cannot need that much chocolate, surely?"

"Yes, I do. How do I get more of my money? It's not like I can just walk into Gringotts, can I?" He knew he had more lying around somewhere, he just couldn't think where.

"I have my ways of retrieving money from your vault should you need it. I shall say no more than that" Dumbledore had many connections. Sirius' vault had been frozen when he was incarcerated, but it was all still there.

"Okay. I have no idea what to get Harry. What do you think he'd want?" What did teenage boys want? It's not like Harry didn't have enough money to buy anything he wanted anyway.

"I don't think he wants anything other than your company and more importantly, love" Sirius resisted the urge to gag. Sometimes Dumbledore could be a sentimental old fool. Even if it was true.

"Yes. I suppose so. But I have to get him something" He was disappointed that Dumbledore wasn't helping him. He knew everything, so why didn't he know this?

"Think on it a while. I'm sure the answer will appear to you" Dumbledore was being especially cryptic and Sirius really wasn't in the mood. He rolled his eyes at the older wizard and Albus tried not to laugh "Unfortunately, I must be going. I will see you in a week. Please look after yourself" He looked at Sirius over his half moon glasses, scrutinising him. He knew full well the state he drank himself into every night. Unfortunately, he was also aware that nothing he said would make a difference.

"Yes, Albus" He sighed as the man left, leaving him alone yet again. Christmas couldn't possibly arrive quickly enough.

.

.oOo.

.

I won't be able to update next week, as I will be away on holidays and will not have access to my laptop. But as soon as I get back, I will post up the next chapter and try to make it as good as possible to make it up to you all. Maybe Remus will be back. Just wait and see.


End file.
